At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
