Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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