I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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