My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
