Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
