I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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