yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
