We got so high we made milksteak
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You took a bar mat shot.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
