Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
