Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
