Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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