I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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