I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
