Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
