make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
