you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
