i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
