Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
