If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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