My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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