I wish my penis had an off switch
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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