you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
