I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
