Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
