your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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