I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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