How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
