So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
