she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
