don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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