I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
