I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
