just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
