Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
