I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
