My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
sarcasm needs its own font
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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