I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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