I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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