you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
