Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
