Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
