Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
