Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
