hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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