Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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