tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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