so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
