Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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