I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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