yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Randomize
